Non-Tarot Alternative Thoughts & Practices

Limerance, Getting Over a Break-up, How to Get Over Breaking Up, How to Heal From a Broken Heart

In my practice and on a regular basis I’m exposed to lovers remorse, lovers shunned, and just plain unhappy lovers. I’m no stranger to the joys and scars that loving someone can produce.
It’s my focus and joy to help clients see what happened, what is happening, and what will happen based on the current situation.
While this article is focused on limerant behaviour, the major cause for it and most importantly how to get over a fixation or misplaced love for another person, it may also be useful for anyone trying to get over someone.

Limerence

Limerance, defined by Wiki.

After consulting many clients and reflecting on personal experiences it’s been found the tension of ambiguity and hope causes, develops, and sustains limerence after the LO (Love Object also referenced here as love interest) has injected some sort of “sparkle” into your life. If there’s a sense that a perpetuating false or half-hearted involvement is occurring (unrequited limerence) and your love interest or yourself is confronted about that (so your connection may be seen for what it truly is) the healing process can begin.

Here’s what to do to help you get over being limerant, a break-up, heartbreak, connection:

  1. Deeply analyze what you are or were getting out of the connection. Whether you hash this out with your love interest; a traditional therapist; psychic coach or counselor (like myself); a close, sympathetic, and understanding friend; forum or online community group such as Tribe, etc. make sure you do it. Why? Once clarity is found, the past can be cleared, closure can be gained, forward movement with open energy can begin, and a strategy not to repeat what doesn’t work and to ignite energy into what can. Write out all your questions… all your Why’s… and then set about getting them answered to your satisfaction.
  2. Cut-off all ties or at the very least diminish involvement or exposure to your LO, as difficult as that is. Basically invoke the no contact rule. Don’t visit your LO’s page on social media sites such as Facebook, MySpace, or LiveJournal or don’t visit the site at all if it’s hard not to. Don’t check your personal email, for a few days at a time to a week, if they happen to keep contacting you. Remove their number from your phone (you can place their number elsewhere). etc… This is an exercise in self-discipline and will give the added benefit of knowing you accomplished something difficult, when successful.
  3. Would you be friends if you didn’t, couldn’t sleep with them? Would you want to just hang out and not be romantic or touchy at all? If you can say yes, they are a keeper. If not, it’s time to cut the ties permanently. Even if you can say yes, it’s still time to cut ties temporarily until you can reset, rebalance, and compose yourself. However, keep in mind an LO can say or do things that will spin your world upside down no matter how much distance has taken place. In these cases, sometimes it’s just best to find that deep and intense connection elsewhere.
  4. Don’t put any stock in what you see or hear unless it’s something solid and clear. Otherwise, view it as a quirk of theirs and that they just have no ability to be direct, forthright, and honest with you as they are emotionally unavailable.
  5. If there’s anything that connects you to your love interest that you can not stop doing or having, change the connection or association. You will need to do this consciously. Start adding new meaning to an activity, object, etc. that is NOT connected to your LO. Remove or hide anything vaguely related to them. Out of sight gets you to out of mind.
  6. Take a good hard look at their flaws. I know this is hard to do. A lot of my clients, when asked: What are their flaws? well, they can’t see any at first. :/ I know this is hard to do but if you don’t allow yourself to do it, it’s not going to help. If you need an objective listener and questioner to help you see the flaws, call me. If you find your self-esteem is low and needs a boost, call me.
  7. What Lessons Learned were learned? What did you learn about yourself? List the good, the bad, and the ugly. After all the hurt and pain, what do you resolve to repeat or NOT repeat going forward? What did you find were your strengths? What were your challenges? My friend J.G. reminded me to remind you to remember your value and worth, that the love and strengths brought to any connection can be carried over to a new connection / relationship.
  8. I have asked this question to limerent people and I always get quite a lame response: What do you love about your LO? If you are saying: I don’t know or It’s just something about them or something else that has nothing to do with qualities of that person you (or anyone else) would love separate and distinct from your connection to them; you do NOT love them. You do NOT see them for who they are.
  9. Read stories about other limerants, those who have broken up, breaking up, get community help and be involved in helping other people deal with their broken hearts and minds. It helps to know you are not alone, not crazy, and it may give more clues to what happened, what is happening, and what will happen when all is said and done. It also helps to keep reading other people’s stories especially when you are cycling back into a fantasy or hope for the relationship to be more than what it is which is, to be blunt, nothing.

This is what to do to bring life back into your world:

  1. Continue to improve yourself (a side benefit of limerance) but also begin accomplishing some of your other dreams and desires that may have been dependent upon your LO reciprocating your love. Basically “get-on” with your life.
  2. Don’t waste your day thinking about tomorrow. Plans made today about tomorrow can then be worked today. Focus on TODAY! Thinking about a future that is out of one’s control causes anxiety. So unless a plan is being made for tomorrow, barring positive visualization and preparation tasks, just enjoy every moment, today — as it comes.
  3. Set new goals and create new projects. Perhaps it’s cleaning out your closet, organizing some paperwork, putting together an educational application, etc.
  4. What was missing in your life before your love interest entered and more importantly how can you get that back from something else, someone else and in a constructive way.
  5. Meet new people. Yup, I know. There’s no one better than your LO. It’s going to be hard but just force yourself to meet new people and learn to accept that very few people are going to give you that high. Then again, very few people are going to give you that low either. That’s a good thing! Or how about hooking up with old friends before all this crap came crashing down upon you.
  6. Which brings me to spirituality, faith, and religion. Turn to it. Buddhism is a great place if you are not sure where to go. Philosophically or otherwise, for a lot of people, it encourages a sense of peace and non-attachment. It’s very Pisces in many ways. Dealing with concepts such as acceptance, compassion, and letting go.
  7. Work out. Eat well. Sleep. Take Your Vitamins. Plans things to do the night before so when you wake, you know what to do.
  8. Keep yourself busy. Put together pampering days for yourself. Book a massage, spa day, or mini hotel getaway with swimming pool.
  9. Fake it till you make it. So you are still pining over Mr. or Ms. Wonderful. Just keep telling yourself they aren’t and you aren’t. Eventually it will take. 😉

Is there something wrong with me?

What I want you all to know is that a) you are NOT crazy or sick b) your LO is / was probably doing or saying something that is / was consciously or subconsciously ambiguous, undefined and giving you some sense of hope that your interest is being / would be reciprocated. c) Yes, in some way, they DO like the attention. However, do understand it comes from a place of self-interest or selfishness. Your needs are not generally thought of.

Where do I go from here?

It will take some time to move forward; however, you must WANT to. As can be read from various personal stories (see links below), some limerant people just have the nature to be limerant and quite enjoy the high and rush that comes along with it. Some like not doing anything about it due to fear of having to take responsibility for their lives again: What’s next? However, this shows a lack in their life and they can gain pleasure and a game plan by other healthy and constructive means with a dose of soul searching. All the best and if you need a helpful ear, CallJucy.com 🙂

I have also found stories, articles, blog posts from BaggageReclaim useful for spotting and dealing with problematic and toxic people: Example — How to Spot an Emotionally Unavailable Man –> Scroll down to the bottom for blog comments.

Further Learning

Links on Limerance

Videos — #1 http://abcnews.go.com/Health/WellnessResource/story?id=7183013 #2 http://abcnews.go.com/Health/WellnessResource/story?id=7183007
Wiki — http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerance
Article on the Power of Love & Limerance —
http://luv.tribe.net/thread/38230302-d261-436d-a321-b603fa9d2ae9

12 points of “What is Limerance” and How to get over it:
http://www.psywww.com/intropsych/ch16_sfl/limerence.html
Is it possible to overcome limerant feelings yet remain close friends?: http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence/thread/c6d82c78-6225-4fcc-af3a-d083293b76ec

Personal Stories about Limerance:
Top 1000 Reasons we Hate Limerance: http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence/thread/40ff3176-a1c8-4357-bc1f-f0a9a2e78bb6
http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence/thread/f33333e7-d0d6-458d-ad50-1e921c3d1877
http://dailyuw.com/2007/10/18/not-love-fallin-in-limerance-part-1/

More on Love & Limerance
http://www.flatrock.org.nz/topics/relationships/from_love_and_limerence.htm

Be the first to comment - What do you think?  Posted by Toronto Psychic Tarot Reader - April 15, 2011 at 5:33 am

Categories: Love, Non-Tarot Alternative Thoughts & Practices, Philosophy, Psychology, Sociology, & Living   Tags: , , , , , ,

Attracting Your True Love: Dreams and Wishes DO come true!

The women I read for are strong, determined, and willing to take some responsibility for their lives. They understand that it’s important for them to go out and get what they need — that’s freewill. But of course, like any other normal human being they also want to know what will happen to them — this is destiny.

While I’m perfectly content in looking at what might happen to you, I most often like to focus on what a seeker can do to rock their world. All you need is you.

Anyway, the following questions come up a lot in my readings:

  • Will I ever get married?
  • Will I ever find true love?
  • Who is my true love?

The first answers (or my responses) are:

  • Yes, if you want to.
  • Yes, if you want to.
  • I don’t know. Who is your true love?

Just kidding a bit on the last response. 🙂 But in all three cases I didn’t touch one esoteric or psychic tool. I just spoke from the heart and instincts. It’s just a gut reaction to say that someone will have whatever they want to.
Sure, I can easily take a look at the likely probability of who your true love is, what they look like, so on and so forth; however, wouldn’t it be so much better if YOU decided who that would be? And by the way, that’s what most of us are looking for: a life partner, not a true love.

Do you really want to leave your precious life and future up to a fortune telling parlour game?

HOMEWORK

Are you looking for love in all the wrong places? Start looking for love in the right places!

Draw up a list of qualities that you WANT in a mate. Get VERY specific. If you don’t have a certain “look” in mind than ensure that everything else is specific.

Here are some examples:

  • General: Loves to cook Specific: Loves to cook for me and my kids
  • General: Likes to go out Specific: Likes to go out and see movies, play sports, visit with friends, etc..
  • General: Employed Specific: Employed doing what he loves to do and preferably in the medical field
  • General: Has great eyes Specific: Eyes are clear, big, and wide full of wonder and love
  • General: Has children Specific: Has children that are around my children’s age / moved out / adopted, etc. etc.

It’s OKAY to want things. It’s OKAY to be happy with the person you want to be with.

Now draw up a list of DEAL BREAKERS. These are things that induce warning bells, sirens, and stop signs! Again get VERY specific on what you DO NOT WANT in your life.

  • General: Has kids Specific: Has kids that spend every weekend with him.
  • General: Overweight Specific: Has unhealthy extra pounds that he doesn’t want to get rid of / not due to medical reasons / etc. etc.
  • General: Dislikes his family Specific: Doesn’t visit family on holidays / talks badly about them / has no relationship with them / etc. etc.
  • General: Doesn’t want the same future Specific: Isn’t interested in travelling around the world and seeing life like a joyride.

It’s OKAY to be a little superficial — we are HUMAN. 🙂
Everyone’s list is going to be different, I hope. Mine? I already found my life partner. Here’s my mini Life Partner story:

When I was 12 I had a birthday cake and a birthday wish. I wished on meeting my true love — I was a romantic, even early on. I wished a number of things about my future soulmate including them needing me to take care of him and that he was rough around the edges but that I could “fix” him. Oh and just to mention, I drew up a list before the birthday festivities that included other faulty yet charming characteristics of my perfect soulmate (on paper noless — I was an imaginative child but had no clue that I was sealing my fate for a good chunk of my life) HA! Anyway, very silly of me to wish such things because that’s all I ever got until I was in my twenties and then I remembered that I had made that wish. So I drew up a new list of must have’s and dealbreakers and this time one of my must have’s was that he was an artist and loved me. Well, those men starting coming into my life too but there was still something missing. When an engagement failed into a breakup in my early thirties I was alerted to a stark reality that if I didn’t get my act together, I wouldn’t be able to start that family and be a happy Mrs’. I said to myself: “You better figure out what you REALLY want in a life partner!” So I got very specific on what I wanted and he materialized!! My life partner and I have been happily married for close to five years now. yay!! 🙂

So, it’s true. All you have to do is wish upon a star but it’s very important to know exactly what you are wishing for because what you wish for, you will get!

Now, going back to you (you are my favourite subject btw — not kidding!!)…

Take a look at the dealbreakers. How many times have you dated those? Maybe you are even involved with one right now. Does that make sense? Logically, no. Emotionally, yes. As humans we are often drawn to what isn’t good for us and because we know it deep down, it makes the whole experience really stinky after we are finished and that leads to beating ourselves up, not moving forward, above & beyond, etc. etc.
But I digress… Point is… You are likely to not want what you have even though you brought it upon yourself. Yes, you did. That doesn’t mean a naughty boy who treats you like trash should be doing that or that you deserve that but if you choose to take some responsibility for the choices you make, then you will see that you kind of brought it upon yourself. Suck it up sister! *hugs*
Just make peace with this and start again. Start again with the person you are with even (if it’s healthy and you can), but start again. Know what you don’t want and then push away from it. By writing it down, your subconscious will take over and will not send those “Hey, I’m attracted to you you hunk of burning love” vibes to the WRONG MEN. Because, you are not attracted to them, right? You said so yourself, if it’s a dealbreaker you want no leading lady part in that drama. You. are. not. interested. It’s that simple. Unwasted time & emotions. And that’s the vibe that will be sent their way and you know what, “They won’t even make themselves known to you — guys are great like that… well, most of them.”

So do yourself a favour and wish like a kid under the christmass tree but be smart, not like I was way back when because you get what you wish for.

By the way, this applies to women who love women, and men who love men. It’s just that most of my clients seem to be heterosexual women who want a man as a life partner and this little piece of writing is mainly for the women I serve on a regular basis!

Abella Arthur is a certified professional psychic. She uses coaching, counseling, consulting, guiding and reading skills coupled with tools such as Tarot, Astrology, Numerology and Palmistry to provide a simply life-changing experience. Contact Abella to receive private and special event entertainment readings, fortune greeting cards, or learn how to do what she does. http://www.knowtheway.ca

Be the first to comment - What do you think?  Posted by Toronto Psychic Tarot Reader - March 15, 2007 at 3:41 pm

Categories: Abella Arthur, Emotions, Events, & Actions, Non-Tarot Alternative Thoughts & Practices, Philosophy, Psychology, Sociology, & Living   Tags:

Theory: How much should you earn? What’s your salary? (Canada)

If one decides to make money, I have this theory that for every year of your life, you earn a minimum of $1,000. If you earn more, that’s awesome. But if you are wondering how much you are worth, I say you are worth “at least” $1,000 for every year of your life when it comes to the world of work. *grin*
Examples of Annual Salary Minimums
60 year old to earn $60,000

43 year old to earn $43,000 a year

26 year old to earn $26,000

19 year old to earn $19,000

14 year old earns a minimum of $14,000 a year

Of course, a 14 year old may not work and if they do it’s likely to be part-time so in this situation we would take $14,000 and divide it by 1800 hours (an average number of full time hours per year) and we get $7.77 an hour (which is currently the minimum wage in Canada and what they are likely to earn working at a McD’s).

I wonder if that’s how they figured out minimum wage…. *curious*

Now when we look at an income that is double the age of a person, we can see that they (more than likely) will feel quite wealthy.

A 36 year old earning $72,000 a year. A 50 year old earning $100,000 a year. A 20 year old earning $40,000.

Why does any of this matter? It probably doesn’t make much of a dent to your everyday life but it can. Money is energy and our energy can be tired, sad, angry, etc. If we consider how much energy we put into things and what we get out of it, we can see that many of us are not truly happy with our earnings and it affects us in a challenging way.

Well, anyway, I have a lot more thoughts but they are quite abstract and better said in discussion. Cheers!

Be the first to comment - What do you think?  Posted by Toronto Psychic Tarot Reader - October 23, 2006 at 8:22 pm

Categories: Non-Tarot Alternative Thoughts & Practices, Philosophy, Psychology, Sociology, & Living   Tags:

Be a Star, not a Wall flower and Don’t Worry About What Others Think

Our Deepest Fear

by Marianne Williamson
from A Return To Love: Reflections on
the Principles of A Course in Miracles

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

I have often felt as if I needed to “shrink” to help others feel strong but then I found a solution: Mindlogos. I want people to have what I got if they want it. But I want them to have their own unique self in that mix if mixed at all!

If this hasn’t convinced you, check out this article: Six Career Secrets You Won’t Learn in School by Alexandra Levit

where it says: “Develop a marketable corporate person:
Think of yourself as a publicist with the task of promoting you. Learn to capitalize on your skills, succinctly assert your achievements and project a corporate persona — or your most mature, professional and competent face.

This is what Mindlogos does!

Finally another quote by the same author of the passage above: To be born a girl is a gift we were given, to become a woman of wisdom and courage is a gift you give the world.

Be the first to comment - What do you think?  Posted by Toronto Psychic Tarot Reader - June 17, 2006 at 1:03 pm

Categories: Non-Tarot Alternative Thoughts & Practices, Philosophy, Psychology, Sociology, & Living   Tags:

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